Heaven in a tourniquet

Hello darkness my old friend

2011-12-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

The title sounds kind of cheesy giving my age and high level of wisdom (do notice the sarcasm). A plain machine (medical student) isn't supposed to have time for existentialism and the fun of experiencing anguish and (outgrown) spleen at different levels.

Things and people have happened since I last visited this place. It has been a difficult journey and I am exhausted. I have experienced unbearable sadness in others' hearts.

I have no time for anyone: friends, family, myself.. They are all just names. I regret this very much and hope when this mental period ends some people will make me feel as naive as I was when I first wrote stuff here.
People have turned into objects.

The gravity is just playing with my nerves.

I am counting the days left in this trap.

Elage mulle kaasa

2010-01-20T13:55:00.000-08:00

Üritan kirjutada blogi, mille pärast ma tulevikus piinlikkust tundma ei peaks. Ehk läheb õnneks: http://heamaailm.wordpress.com/

Elage minuga kaasa.

M sphincter moralis

2009-12-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

Oeh.
Nüüd, kus ma olen vanaks ja igavaks jäänud, ei teagi, mida ja kuidas öelda.

Päris hea on olla, sest ülikool on põnev ja elu. Tahaks öelda "ka", aga eks ta tuleb ise.

Päris hea on olla, sest retseptorid elu kutsele on olemas. Ärge muteeruge. Või ostke vähemalt pilet Aafrikasse valmis.

Natukene halb on olla, et maailmapilt diferentseerub ja traagilisus väheneb.

Päris julge on olla, eeskujud selleks eluperioodiks on olemas. Kontakti saavutamine, naeratuste ja emotsioonide püüdmine, veider kiilumistunne. Püüdlemine nendesarnasteks.

Natukene halb on olla, et keegi on mu mulli purustanud. Pean koostama integratsiooniplaani aastateks 2010-2015.

Päris hea on olla, magasin täna öösel sama vähe, kui vanasti. Silmi kinni pannes näen energiat.

Häirivalt kummaline on olla, et kummalisi inimesi nii palju otsima peab. Neid ei mõelda ometigi ju välja?

Tragikoomiline, kuidas üleüldine kriitikavõime on alla igasuguse taseme. Satun iga jumalama filmist ja raamatust vaimustusse.

Liiga hea on olla, et see kõik ei peagi lihtne olema.

Moraalisulgurlihas on mõnikord tahtele allumatu ja tekitab elu.
Elage mulle kaasa.

Suurte autodega veetakse surma

2009-05-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

Tegelikult läheb kõik hästi. Järgmine esmaspäev olen ilgelt ühiskondlik ning kolme nädala pärast tapvalt bioloogiline. Sealt edasi olen kas külmalt eufooriline või igavalt suitsiidne. Või mõlemat segatuna skisofreeniaga vahekorras 3:5.
Ärge küsige, ma ei taha teile valetada. Kaunid ideaalid, karm tegelikkus :( Nuuks.
Morfiini.

2012, me nii igatseme ja kardame sind.

PS. Ma olen sügav mõtleja. Facebook ütles, et olen.

Nojah. Tead, ma lugesin kõik oma eelmise aasta mõtted üle. Nad ajavad mind naerma oma naiivse, kohati isegi primitiivse ellusuhtumisega. Ära hellitatud positiivsusega, napaka kõikvõimsustundega. Nojah. Ei teagi, milles asi on. Ma olen võõrdunud oma vanast minast, ta tundub - jällegi - nii naiivne olevat. Kogenematu. Pidevas elujoobes. Huvitav, kas ma kunagi hakkan samamoodi jälle mõtlema. Milline traagika.
Võib-olla olengi ma inimeste suhtes nii kriitiline, kes mulle mind ennast sel perioodil meenutavad? Sest ma tahan olla kõike muud kui tema. Kui mina siis. Kui mina praegu. Naljakas, kuidas üks päev võib aastapikkuse illusiooni kildudeks lüüa.
Äärmiselt MÕTLEMAPANEV. Ja ma ei tahagi siia midagi kirjutada.

Vaikinuksin, jäänuksin filosoofiks

2009-03-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

Tahaksin lebada värskes Setumaa mudas, andmata vastust ei millegi ega kellegi ees. Rohekashall nätske muru ei vaatagi mulle süüdlaslikult otsa, nagu tahaks ta midagi muud. Nagu ootaks ta kedagi muud enda peale lebama, kedagi natukene paremat, vaimukamat, osavamat. Selles mõttes on Setumaa muru ideaalne maandumispaik.
Oleks elus ka niimoodi. Keegi ei tahaks ega ootakski minust midagi teistsugust, kui ma pakkuda ei taha. Asi on selles, et ma suudan ilgelt palju. Eks igal asjal ole oma piir. Headel inimeste piir on alati suurem ja sellest tulenevalt on piiri ületamise tagajärg sügavam. Valusam.

Homme hommikul kl 7.00 ärkan üles ja lähen basseini. Ujun seal räigelt kaua. Täpselt nii kaua, kui mulle meeldib. Kloor mu punastes silmades teeb värvi üldsusele mõistetavamaks.
Siis lähen Emajõe äärde ja räägin partidega juttu. Nemad ei oota minust ka midagi. Neile jutustan oma radikaalsetest õhulossidest. Nad aplodeerivad mulle. Tegemist pole siiski tavapärase harimatu pööbliga.

Ma igatsen oma punaseid juukseid. Salaja ja täiega.

Tahan olla MÕJUTAMATU. Tahan olla SOO, mitte mingi kuradi tsentralistlik keskklassi toetav kuri korrupeerunud kapitalistlik partei.
Siinkohal mõnitan L doktriini täiega.
häbi tundmata
sõnavabaduse väljakut rüvetamata
säilitusaineid söömata
surmaga flirtimata
Harry Potter olemata
(jälestades endasuguseid ilukirjanduslikke pugejaid)
Sina oled mina või mis.

Vaheaja meeleolu ei ole ikka veel (sest mu spliinisel elul pole vaheaega, irff). Mis ma ikka virisen. Elu on ilus ja ilu on elus. Ja inimeste headus on elus. Ja elu on headus? Ja ma olen vist veel naiivsem või lollakam kui George Bush, kes demokraatia universaalsusesse ära uppus. Ainuke vahe seisneb selles, et mina ei võta tervet maailma kaasa. Mulle piisab mõnest üksikust teisejärgulisest maailmast.
Milline paroodia.

Vastikud ajavahemikud.

Peaks midagi kasulikku täna õhtul veel tegema. Huvitav. Mul on valida Dostojevski (2), Palahniuki ja Wilberi vahel. Valikuid on kolm. Jumal on üks.
Lähtuvalt Dostojevskist on selleks kristlik Jumal.
Lähtuvalt Palahniukist on selleks alaealiste ajuloputus.
Lähtuvalt Wilberist olen selleks mina ise.

O Fortuna.

Ajad muutuvad ja meie koos nendega

2009-03-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

Tere, sõbrad. Olen tagasi. Ja ei ole ka. Vabandust, ma ei viitsi seletusi jagama hakata, ma olen selleks liiga isekas ja kaugeltki liiga heas tujus. Ma ei teagi, miks ma siin jälle olen.
Teate, asjad hakkavad varsti väga kiiresti veerema. Võib-olla sellepärast ma siin olengi, et midagi jäädvustada. Autokool hakkab läbi saama, EVS peale tulema, eksamikonsultatsioonid ja ärapanemisjanu hakkavad mu väärtuslikku aju rüüstama. Ma hakkan just kui arenema. Naerge jah.
Hakkan siia vaikselt midagi aeg-ajalt kirjutama, et minu elu tähtsaimaks kirjandiks mu kirjalik eneseväljenduoskus eesti loomuliku iibega ei võrduks. Brr. Sestap ei tasu midagi huvitavat loota. Et olla populaarne, peab olema keskpärane.
Vabandust.

Frost/Nixon on üle pika aja parim film, mida näinud olen. Soovitan kõigil vaatama minna. Ja mind kaasa kutsuda.

Kevadejoovastus hakkab vaikselt peale tulema. Hea.

A post to say goodbye

2008-09-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

I think it's time to stop this chapter and move on. Writing in English is by far much more fun and enjoyable than in Estonian, but I need change.
I'm sure I will return one day.

Love, peace, empathy.

PS. Who reads my trash anyway?

Back to hell

2008-08-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

Why do I always fall off my chair when I see that my timetable consists of FOUR literature classes a week?
Anxiety is the word I'm looking for.

Vabadus pole lihtne sõna

2008-08-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

It's easier to leave than to be left behind

2008-08-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a great journey!
You will be missed.
Farewell, red!

We need room for the new sophisticated Hanna.

Give me a knife to open up the sky's veins

2008-08-18T01:40:00.001-07:00

Fundamentally unfair.

Mirjam is going to Denmark.
Britta is going to Wales.
Kelli is going to Italy.
Kadri is going to Portugal.
Kristiina is in the Netherlands.
Erika is in Argentina.

And me? I'm listening to Barbie girl in Russian.

Fables will explode

2008-08-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

Only if you believe they are able to explode. From time to time, I tend to believe what I think and write. And sometimes unexpected things do happen. Extraordinary things. To wake you up from the worn out daily routine.
A few days ago I was coming out of the library and entirely satisfied with myself (for I had payed my depth and I was completely floating in Hannaland.) I laughed at the trolleybuses. Stupid system, I thought. No matter what color the traffic lights are, you still have to wait another round. So I took my time. And guess what? The traffic light was bloody green but the trolleybus just stood there like a phlegm. Suckers, I laughed, and hopped on.
So, by this time I was feeling unusually pleased with myself. I took out my new Murakami novel and started reading.
Then, out of the blue, this guy comes up and smiles: "Excuse me, do you know, the stop Lepistiku?"
I took some time to go over what he had said and automatically responded with a grin: "I will tell you when the right stop comes, okay?" I had spotted his huge backpack.
"Okay," he smiled.
A connection.
Some minutes pass. I cannot focus on my book anymore. We keep peaking at each other. I go over and start a conversation. It turns out he is originally from Israel, but started his journey from Mongolia and has traveled all the way from Russia. He has been in Estonia just for an hour.
"So what do you do, just travel?"
"Yeah, just travel. You know." (laughs)
I laugh. It turns out he is going to his CS host in Tallinn. We talk some more. I tell him I know exactly what it's like to travel with a huge backpack. We laugh again.
"The next stop should be yours."
"Oh, really?"
He asks me if I know an old bookstore here. I don't. I ask why. He says he wants to give some of his books he has already read to a bookstore. I search my memory, but nothing comes up. He asks me whether I like reading. I do. He says he will give them to me instead. There isn't much time left. Always at the last minute, we both grin.
In the end, he pulls out a bag of books before the trolleybus stops. I am six books richer.
I thank him. I smile.
"I guess it's my lucky day today."
"No, it's my lucky day."
And he his gone.

As I walk home I cannot help grinning. Only one word comes to mind - life. In the most pure meaning.

In the middle of the bottle is a little of the way you talk

2008-08-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

Night after night
We fall apart
(It's quite alright)

Drinking music, maestro!

2008-08-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

I admire addicts

2008-08-10T15:22:00.002-07:00

In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise.

38,5 degrees

2008-08-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

Surprise. You have just been walking around with a fever for three days.

Turn around?
Probably.

The soul's on fire

2008-07-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

These last two weeks have been from another world.

Calm down and waste away with me

2008-07-04T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hi. How are you?
I feel as if I owe someone a decent post. Something that makes sense. Something dull and boring, but honest as hell.
It's funny how staying up at night during school time seems so fun and logical. A rebellion in a way. Fight against the system, ha ha. (I'm a complete lunatic, agreed.) But now.. it's only half past one and I hear my bed calling for me. It's frustrating.And because of the frustration it's so damn funny. I have nothing to rebel against during summer. A rebellion against my own system? No fun. Sleep be fun. Yes.. very nice..mm. Okay, I'm falling off the logical topic, aren't I? (Lolz)
Home alone. Not lonely. Home alone and a bunch of things to do. I sit paralyzed, the TV turned on (only because I have the bloody chance), my stuff lying around, strawberries, weird stuff lying around, my thoughts lying around and some even weirder stuff lying around. The truth, my friends, is that I hate packing. And cleaning. And washing dishes. But I love ironing. Lolz. I have to pack for my Belgium trip, but I'm far too lazy to do anything. Again, compare this to school time. The more mentally tired I am, the more physical stuff I want to do. Ha ha.
I should also find some interesting stories of Estonia. It was recommended. I'm not that fascinated by the task, just between me and you. And the whole world, I guess.
Other than that, I'm happy. In the most stable kind of way. Honestly.

(I don't want to think about the future. It always comes soon enough.)

(I don't get everyone else. People. Why is everyone logged on to MSN at this late hour? Maybe they need victims for their thoughts which are also lying around. Or maybe they're just no-lifers. Or maybe it's for a noble purpose. I should control my ego from time to time. But you know the saying - noblesse oblige.)

Happy Independence Day!

It's hard to say where I've been

2008-06-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm returning from something to something to something. I'm returing from something to something to something. I'm returning from something to something to something.
Guess I'm alright.
I just did something to rise my life quality. The simple knowledge that none of it was ever my fault and I did to my fucking best to change the situation. I did everything. If I wasn't good enough, then fuck it. Then no one was good enough. There's no point in painting my own life in sorrow blue. I shouted my whole soul out that night. Something I should have done a decade ago.
And now the air that I breath isn't dead anymore. No more dirty palace walls. I feel so warm and calm inside. I no longer have to hide.
I'm returning from something to something to something. I'm returning from something to something to something. I'm returning from something to something to something.
Guess I'm more than alright.

I will find a way

2008-06-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

(visit me when I'm there)

Green

2008-06-18T04:08:00.000-07:00

It's hard to be depressed when the grass is green. You smile.. out of compulsory, out of temptation, out of inevitability. Just because everyone else is smiling. Just because the grass is green. Just because you're bored of being depressed.

I hate myself and want to die

2008-06-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

Woe is me. Goodbye cruel world. When dying, I only feel apathy.

Mitte mina ise, vaid mind saatvad surm, meeleheide, igavus - need on minu kangelased

2008-06-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

Tegelikult on kõik endiselt liimist lahti. Ma olen nii vihane ja täis ängistust. Viha genereerib energiat, mida ma ei suuda ja ei taha ära rakendada. Energia tõttu ei ole ka und. On ainult spliin. Spliini tõttu pole tahet. Püha viha ja lõputu pimedus tunnlelis.

Me lähme edasi, ma tulen tagasi.

Kuulaks õhtust hommikuni vaid Nirvanat ja loodaks tunda õhus suve hõngu, mis mu morbiidsuse taset veidigi langetaks. Peaks kirja panema pikki filosoofilisi eksistentsialistliku sisuga ängistust täis vihaseid luuletusi. Peaks vestlema kellegagi, keda veel miski maailmas huvitab ning kes on tõeline. Äkki see muudaks midagi.

Aeg on kohvitassi taga uueks sündida

2008-06-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

Maailmas on väga vähe sündmusi, mis panevad inimesi unustama kogu selle pasa, mida nad on üle pidanud elama ja inspireerivad neid edasi elama. Pole kahtlust, et üks sellistest sündmustest on keskööl oma koduhoovi sirelipõõsast valge karbi leidmine, mis sisaldab maailma maitsvamaid koogikesi. Aitäh! Viimasena seisab tõepoolest armastus :)
Ma näen taevas juba vikerkaart! (Sellel julgel väljaütlemisel pole mitte vähimatki seost geiklubiga "Angel" ega ka uimastavate meelemürkidega. Ehk niisama lihtsa ja veetleva õnnega?)
Äkki oligi aeg uueks sündida. Selleks pidin ma loomulikult enne tuhaks põlema. Ma südamest loodan, et ma olen kõik oma põlengud läbi teinud ja võin hakata tuhast vaikselt tõusma. See oleks kaunis.

I mean, walking on water wasn't built in a day (so I just need some hardcore patience).

Harmooniline vägivald

2008-05-31T09:47:00.000-07:00

Lõppude lõpuks on kõik siiski lõputa ning universaaltõde pole mõtet otsima hakata. Harmooniliselt vägivallatsen oma elu lõpuni, kuni lõpuks mu elu murdub, sest kang ei ole enam tasakaalu asendis ja vead mu DNA-ahelas tulevad üha enam ilmsiks. (Siinkohal tasuks mainimist, et Le Chatelier' tasakaaluprintsiibil pole antud paradoksiga mitte mingit seost.)
Oleks pidanud täna teistmoodi käituma, äkki ma lihtsalt ei oska teisi inimesi päästa. Nojah, höhh, krr. Mõmm. Lähen tõmban parem keemiat ja kui organism enam vastu ei pea, jään apokalüpsist ootama. Ehk teisisõnu - Tere, maailmalõpumõtted.

I feel so cold

2008-05-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

We act and think too individually and egoistically. In order to achieve our material purposes we rush from day to day, having spleepless nights, eat irregulary, and the worst part - we are damn proud of it! The more activities, duties we have, the cooler, respectable and honorable we are. As a result, we don't even notice the flowers bursting into bloom, summer wind flonding our cheeks, life passing by..

Inevitability?

2008-05-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

All the drugs in this world won't save me from myself.

Fire and ice

2008-05-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Some say the world will end in fire. Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of
desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think
I know enough of hate to say that, for destruction, ice is also great and would
suffice.

Home, home again

2008-05-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

I like to come here when I can.
As it turns my November is actually everyone else's October. And as it turns out, I need a break in order to rest my mental health before I fall into a fight with everyone from my class. Encore, as it turns out our lunch lady rides the same bus as me. Small world, huh, 007?
It's nice to live in another civilazation, no TV, no internet, no religion too. A lot of John Lennon fo laughing out loud. No shampoo. Oopsie daisy, shouldn't have come clean with that little dirty skeleton.
You hang on to every source of information. Yesterday, for example, I took the free city newspaper and read it from cover to cover (a thing I hardly ever do). I cannot complain that life is dull when living alone, because I simply fall asleep every time I sit in one place for too long. What can I say, it's a gift.
Yesterday is the last day of double literature this school year. Everyone needs to die in literature once in a while. Or is it just me? Yeah, I guess it's just me. I hate our grading system. It makes no sense whatsoever and it really frustrates me that I'm the only loser than understands it. Oh well, just a day and a year left. All will be well.
Oh yeah, one more thing. We're not going to Paris. We're not going to rent a bus for the Estonian trip we were going to have. We are going to hitchhike to Hiiumaa one at a time. Quelle surprise!
I'll say a few more things about school. Just because in a very short time, I won't be able to whine and critizise it. (Wonder how on the earth am I going to survive.) A huge test in math (I just like the American version better without the s), dying in literature, French crap for Friday, a remarcable test in history, some swell grammatic end of the year test in English (I have no clue what exactly phrasal verbs are..), a 800 word essay on Kalevipoeg (you'll hear my hate) and yes, I almost forgot - my chemistry exam. And it's mine. It's all fucking mine. Just try to take it away.

How to avoid AIDS in Estonia?

2008-05-11T05:24:00.000-07:00

The first HIV-positive in Estonia was discovered in 1988. Since then, there have been over 6400 registered HIV-positives. You find this number too big? The information you are going to read next can and should shock you.
The statistics that show HIV cases per million people reveal that Estonia is on top of this chart. There are 467 HIV-positives in Estonia per million people. This is extraordinary, considering that Russia has 247 registered cases per million and Portugal, who is next to us, has 251 people infected per million. That is nearly half less then in our country! I, for one, find this information very disturbing. 467 HIV-positives in Estonia is getting dangerously close to the number of people infected per million in countries, such as Nigeria and South-Africa. These two countries have the most people living with AIDS. This might be the last chance to ask ourselves what exactly is going on before the spreading of HIV and AIDS turns into a national disaster. More importantly, we must ask ourselves what we can do to help the prevention of the brutal illness.
First, let us concentrate on the things that our state can do. In the early 1990s, when the disease first started to spread throughout the country, denial was the first reaction of the politics. This is not our problem, they said. Some experts recognized the seriousness of the problem and asked the state to provide a million kroons for a prevention campaign. Again, nothing was done. You can imagine that the idea of a syringe-exchange program was completely unthinkable. Today, the attitude of the politics has luckily changed. But still, there is no reason to be happy. Instead of giving a million kroons when it was first asked, now the state has to provide millions and millions of kroons for the treatment and prevention of HIV and AIDS. Still, it is good that the state has finally recognized the problem.
Secondly, we need to educate people. One must hope that the HIV-negative people in Estonia also understand it. Unfortunately, it is the other way round. Recently, articles have been published in our mass media concerning the spreading of HIV in Estonia. The Internet comments that I have read make me sick. Estonians believe that this is only a problem of drug-addicts, prostitutes and homosexuals. They are of the opinion that ordinary people can not get HIV. These people will not understand why the state has to give so much money for the campaigns. At present, it will be even more difficult to understand because of the predicted economic crisis and inflation. As said before, we need to educate people. To my mind, the first step is to provide sexual education in schools. By educating children, they would pass the knowledge to their parents. This is of utmost importance, since HIV is mostly spread through sexual contact between people at the age of 15-24. We must do something to save our youth. Although, I must confess that the idea of having condom machines in our schools, such as in Finland or in Sweden seems a little too bold considering the attitude of our society. Most people would laugh at this idea, but then again, there are only 26 people per million infected with HIV in Finland.
Thirdly, let us think of the things each individual can do. Most importantly, a HIV-negative individual should set an example to society. This person should spread his knowledge of HIV, but also help the people who are carrying the disease. HIV-positives are people too. They do not want to feel as if they are the outcasts of society. They should have a right to live a full life as long as they can. The HIV-positives should set an example too for the rest of us. They should have regular check-ups at the doctor’s, eat healthily and if possible, go in for sports as well. I hope one day our society will be mature enough for HIV positives to come out in public without the fear and being pointed fingers at, or even worse, being avoided.
Experts have predicted the spreading of HIV to increase in Estonia in the future. At present, it seems as if the state is finally starting to recognize the problem in Estonia. Nevertheless, there is hard work to be done if we want to save our people from dying of the modern day plague. Every one can make a huge difference by simply changing one’s attitude.

Why and how are all these stupid people breeding?

2008-05-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

It's not my fault that God is in crises. Fuck him, he's Oprah.

Trying to make up a post that makes sense. But every thought in my bleeding heart seems to fall apart. At least I have a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.
I have good news at last - I'm not so hopeless at writing essays in Estonian than I thought. My first 6 hour essay didn't go that bad at all to my huge amazement. 76 points with my teacher is a hell of a good result, considering the shit I shot in every thinkable direction which made no sense whatsoever. And media whore isn't even my subject.
I'm so lucky to attend this hell they call an education institution located on Education Street. I mean, the random 12th grade students whom I've talked to.. well, I'm speechless.
"Which one is your subject to write about?"
"I don't know, I can write of everything."
or
"How did the essay go?"
"Oh, it went excellent. I finished 3 hours earlier."
I have no words. Maybe one "what's wrong with the world, mama?" would be acquired. I mean, if you don't work, you don't sleep. I feel sorry for lazy people.
My, oh my. I don't want to sound like a snob. Just that kind of attitude frustrates me. Education is the only thing in life no one can take away.

I'm getting stronger with every day. It's nice to be back. And the best thing? I can at last write an article for English as long as I want.

The child is dead, the dream is gone

2008-05-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

Think of a girl walking around somewhere in the city center. She has got very nice clothes, her hair is neatly combed. But that isn't the first thing you notice. She has a strange detail about her. She is caring a soda bottle with some daffodils in it. Of course, the soda has been replaced with water. But this isn't the first thing you notice. Tears keep pouring down from her face. She's in pain. This is the first thing you notice. But for some sick, inhuman reason you don't stop to comfort her. You try to avoid the eye-connection at any cost. You have your problems as well, you think to yourself. You are curious to know what has happened to you. Nevertheless, you just keep walking. Not my problem, you think to yourself.
And me? I keep walking as well. Until I can't think of anything anymore and I just become paralyzed. I walk past people whom I know from somewhere. I'm sure they would comfort me, but that's the last thing in the world I need. I feel that they are fake in a way. I do not mean to offend anyone, it's strictly my problem. They are not really fake in your world, just in my world. Eventually, I'm so hurt that I just stare at the road. Luckily one real person passes by and stops. My classmate. He asks me why I'm so sad. He is not phony, I tell him what's on my mind. He offers to wait for my bus. We talk. He is truly from another world, that is the reason he cheers me up. He doesn't talk much, but he's there. He cares. He is real. He understands.
The girl with the soda bottle filled with daffodils dries her eyes and gets on her bus. There is going to be many hard days like this, she thinks to herself. She also knowledges to herself that she needs to choose the people around her carefully. This is not a time for giving, this is a time for receiving.
I love people too much. I assume they won't hurt me. Maybe it's my problem. Maybe I'm too sensitive. A crybaby. Maybe I'm just naive, I still believe in the beauty of people.
The girl with the daffodils wishes her birthday would be over already. She hates this particular day.

Unaccustomed to such violence

2008-04-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

Criticism, such a joy-killer. Well, I needed pain-killers. I'm not talking about medicine, I'm talking about people. I'm talking about the lack of empathy I experienced. Maybe I have too immature friends to care about serious things. Oh no, don't get me wrong, I had some very pleasant surprises as well, from the people I least expected it. That was nice. Maybe the lack of empathy comes from young age or living a too good life to care. Either way, that's no excuse.
It wasn't my fault that I was the most ill I have ever been. And how the hell was I supposed to know when I'd get better. When you are in hospital, everything changes. You have no sense of time, you are weak. You do as you're told, you eat they liquid food the provide you. This means you lose weight, because you feel even sicker from the hospital food after a day or two. You look in the mirror, you try not to gasp, because you see a dead person looking back at you.
It's hell and you wish someone would understand. Someone you have spent a lot of time laughing with. Eventually the person does call, but all you can hear is laughter and not a touch of empathy. Everything is a joke for these people, life is a joke. You come to the conclusion that you are a joke as well. Your fever rises, the nurse comes with a syringe and shaking hands. You know her type, you think to yourself. It's not you who is afraid of the injection, it's her. But in the end it doesn't even matter, because you are the one who feels the physical pain. This is what they call bittersweet, you think to yourself again.

I'm medicated, how are you? Tomorrow is my Russian exam. Quite frankly, I should be satisfied with any positive mark I get. Antibiotics and brain work don't go together.

I need to talk to someone who is real.

Day 19

2008-04-25T01:09:00.000-07:00

People do not understand.

Day 18

2008-04-23T22:38:00.001-07:00

It hurts to sleep.

Day 17

2008-04-22T22:31:00.001-07:00

I've lost 7 kilos.

Day 16

2008-04-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

Got new antibiotics.

Day 15

2008-04-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

I killed the TV.

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush

2008-03-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to make my scenery a little more cheerful. I mean, as cheerful as I can. I have no real material connection with the beautiful city background which I have chosen. Nay, it's rather spiritual. Out of thousands of skins I just had to pick this one and I can even give a decent explanation. I've always wanted to live in a big city with millions of fellow earthlings. This picture just shows how people are trying to find there way home on a cold dark night. People driving all around, going somewhere, going anywhere, going nowhere in the end.. Trying to find there way home, trying to find some peace at the end of the day to erase all their sins and have a decent sleep. It's reassuring to know that most people are lost as well. To know you are not the only one. It's comforting too have a peak at all those tiny cars, everyone fighting their own battles, everyone paying for their own gas, everyone depending on one another in the end. What I'm really trying to say is that the world is a beautiful place with all its melancholy. Another thing that fascinates me about huge cities is fact that there are just so many people are around you. The joy of walking into a friend is a million times as enjoyable as usual I suppose. Well, it depends on the person also. Wink wink.

I suspect I am going to do something rebellious pretty soon. I know it's pointless and dumb to rise against the system, but you're only young once. When I'm depressed and angry with myself I can remind myself the words of wisdom - life is too short to regret anything. I don't want to exist, I want to live.

Life has been pretty sweet lately. School was a bore on Friday, but nice also. The nice part about it was that we were finally given a break from hell. My report card was also pretty decent. Luckily I managed to mix up the date of our departure for Haanja so I discovered myself with no plans whatsoever on a Friday night. No cheesy plans, no pointless promises. The next thing I remember is calling every member of our volunteers club and talking them into coming to a evening soccer match. I hope everyone enjoyed kicking the ball and had some true laughs. I also hope that the people who couldn't make it will regret it :D I sure as hell had fun. I also got confirmation that the most simple things in life connect people. Like midnight football.

Come to think of it, the weekend was also pretty neat. We ended up carrying come wood in a pile and by doing so we made the scenery of lake Vaskna much more beautiful. Unluckily, the wood didn't want to burn. The weather wasn't a complete whore, but it wasn't that superb either. The best moment was when the sun came out, the man with the electrical saw played the accordion and we jumped in the huge pile of wood branches. I dived like a complete lunatic, of course. I had a really homely feeling at the kip that we stayed in. People were warm and friendly like they always should be. And the best news? I am still invincible at jenga (like I always should be).

Just a post to say hello

2008-03-12T07:35:00.001-07:00

.. for no particular reason. Ok, perhaps to prove that I'm still alive. To both of us.
The truth is that I've never had a headache like this one that I'm dealing with at the moment and.. oh yeah, it's killing me. I feel as is my whole skull is screaming from agony. It's not fun, but it's definitely not boring. Something new. I guess the mere thought of Spring has just hit me. Or perhaps I'm just justifying my stupidity by saying that (I decided to go and smell some fresh air with my hair all wet). Oh la la, I be very smart.

The truth is that I'm sucked dry out of energy. I'm nothing. Don't take it the hardcore emo way. I moan and complain most of my life. I guess I'll just go and moan in the corner and die alone. No, wait, this way is much more entertaining. When people can actually read my whining. I have to thank God, Buddha or/and Allah for the Internet. Or whoever is up there. That is, I have always assumed I would go to heaven, but lately it seems that a road trip to Dante's inferno isn't that bad of an idea also. I'll arrive there by hitchhiking, soaked in bleach, drunk on the ideas of the bad guys in literature. And I'll finally crawl to the 9th circle, shake Brutus's hand and use the chance to congratulate Judas himself on making it on to so many art themes. (What is art? Prostitution. Haha, the last laugh is on Judas, haha.) These two guys are never out of fashion. Come to think of it, maybe I'll just be such a crybaby and get on Lucifer's nerves by asking about the communists every so often so that he'll just send me back to Earth. Oh diddly doo, I'd better stop with the far fetched story or you'll think I'm high or something. I'll just say "ho ho ho", beacause it would be a little improper to say "ha ha ha" or you'll know I'm high. Anyhow. I don't have the contagious teen spirit with me anymore. Or the mojo. Or call it whatever you want. I'm too much of a nobody to care at the moment. A break is just what I need to load up my mental health. I'm not saying it should be in balance, hell no. That, my friends, is too much to ask for.

The truth is that it's really hard to write anything at the moment that makes sence. Usually words just pore out of me. But today is just one of those days. You know, your thoughts refuse to align with your fingers and you long for yesterday. Oh God, I'm really losing my touch. Parents, better not let your children ever know that there once was a band called "The Beatles". They were hardly the good boys of rock'n'roll when you think of it. Love the world, but never too much.

The truth is that I won't use "the truth is that" at the beginning of my paragraphes anymore. It's rather lame. Boring. Meaningless double talk. Psittacism. Hah, I bet you don't know what that last word meant. And yes, the answer to your question is "yes", I can be lamer than this. Or whatever. Sometimes you just need to write yourself empty. Sometimes you just need to sell your kids for food. Sometimes you just need to turn the other cheek. Oh yeah, and sometimes, you just need to lie to your parents and go hitchhiking to Paris despite of them forbidding it. And sometimes, pretend you don't know what this means. I mean, everyone needs some time to grow. Some space, some air, some utopian idea, some near to life/death experience, some divine comedy to tell your grandchildren.

The truth is that I broke my promise. Oh sweet hypocrisy! I broke my promise just like I break the world's immorality limits. Every now and then. Just for the laugh of it. Then I gaze at the stars and try hard not to lose control. And I ris and I pleure. And when it rains in my heart then it rains on the street as well. And when I smile in my heart then a whorehouse provides higher class service to the (mentally) broke Finnish people as well. And when I want to laugh, then I laugh and my friends laugh with me. Or at me. Or considering the circumstances. And I when I'm happy I just pray that I won't be happy for too long, because I start to miss the comfort in being sad. And then everything is ükskõik mis and I am ükskõik kes.

The truth is, I'm fed up with this senseless crap. Someone rape my thoughts, please. Take them and disgrace them. I'll just make you do it again and again and I'll hate you. You'll hear my fucking hate and find that I'm real good at it. And in the end, we are going to be fucking happy. And I beg your pardon yet again. I shouldn't swear, but I do it. The world shouldn't produce idiots, but it does anyway. George Walker - nonsense talker shouldn't have been elected for president in the first place, but he was. Makes us raise our eyebrows just a little bit, doesn't it. Okay, I'll produce some lines that make sense to someone apart from me as well. I'm under the impression that I'm taking on more responsibilities than I can chew on. Summer is approaching at the speed of light and I'm trying to race with it. I'm afraid to overestimate my limits again (such as during the previous weeks). I mean, I was so tired that I fell asleep in the cinema on Monday! I die. Either from boredom or tiredness or insomnia. No balance what so ever. I guess I'm not a very stable person, oh no.
The truth is, I don't believe anyone needs this break from school more than I do. I'll have time to read and sleep and I'll feel the spring in the air and I'll be normal.. kind of.

Here comes the sun

2008-03-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

Kaku's birthday.
Was something new without a doubt! Firstly, the opening of her exhibition, listening to some live songs, finding myself on one work (I'll post it later when Katarina decides to put up her pictures), having champagne, eating carrots, talking to some old and some new friends.. To my surprise I had even more mutual friends with Kaku than I thought I would, yay! I must admit, the people were quite different, but in my opinion, Kaku pulled it off just fine. The sweet thing was that no one would dance when Kaku wasn't dancing. One could speculate that she was kinda too drunk when she decided on taking her shirt off, but I disagree. Okay, I agree she was drunk, but drunk on happiness. Besides, a person only turns 18 once in a lifetime. I'm so blessed to have an amazing friend like her! (K's words also made me think. It's time to take some action.)
My new home.
Well, things are going very well with that also. Yesterday Kati and Volli went shopping for some new furniture. How wicked is that, things are finally going my way! The building contractor was also pretty optimistic, he promised the work to be done by the 1st of April. It's really starting to hit me that I should rather enjoy my comfortable life at the moment. My mother has also been too good for me recently. She cleaned my dirty room, bought me beautiful daffodils and three pairs of new pants. Maybe it's starting to hit her as well that I'm leaving, lol. No matter what, I'm still going to miss this place. I've becomes too attached to my room during the past months.. But hey - life is all about change.
School work.
Please, God, if you're out there, give me the strength to have some hardcore perseverance so I wouldn't get so bad grades on my report card. Okay, I'll stop here and proceed to dealing with my article for Estonian. Damn media whores..

Elagu, Eesti!

2008-02-24T10:49:00.001-08:00

Hea sõber!

Ma loodan, armas kuulaja, et siis, kui Sa kuulad, või ise kõneled siin kümne aasta pärast, siis ei räägi me enam Eesti väiksusest. Mitte ainult seetõttu, et meid on arvult rohkem, vaid ka põhjusel, et oleme vaimult suuremad. Ja et viide meie napile hulgale ei kõlaks enam õigustusena, et me pole rohkemat ega paremini teinud.

T. H. Ilves

How do you hug?

2008-02-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

Imagine sleeping your weekend away. Imagine walking naked on the street (read: imagine having no headphones stuck on you). Imagine coming from your hometown to the capital. Imagine crossing the street, imagine having a glimpse of some crazy young people. They are probably from the Central Party, you think. Imagine trying to avoid their gaze and preparing to walk past as fast as you can. Imagine trying to make no eye contact whatsoever. Now, imagine yourself, not even reaching the pavement, finding your name being called out all of a sudden. What kind of hell is this, you think. Another fraction of a second passes and you realize the stranger being your friend. Imagine yourself joining this group of lunatics. Imagine yourself swallowing your pride, imagine coming one of them. Imagine yourself losing all dignity.
Yup, been there, done that. It happened to me on Sunday and I must confess that it was the bloody best day in a long long time. I indeed joined the hugging company. Oh god, was that fun or what! Hugging various people on the street. As a true people watching maniac this was better than Christmas. Time for conclusions: don't hug young couples, don't hug soldiers, do hug old couples, do hug Finnish people, do not choose the person you are going to hug next, hug your friends extra hardly; when going on a pee break in the Viru Center, try to not to hug strangers (especially when you don't have the "FREE HUGS" signs); be very miserable when reality strikes and tells you that you have school and a couple of fucking tests coming up. Restrain yourself once again. Don't go to drink away your youth with some new faces you've met on the street. Who cares if they might seem like the most interesting people in the world. Who cares, if this is exactly what you need to spice up your mood. Who cares, if you probably will have the bloody best time of your life. Anyhow, reality crushes down on you. A voice in your mind says you are underage. If you don't study, you won't get into medical school. Imagine being the black sheep of the family. Ain't in a shame to have a drink on a Sunday, you sing to yourself. You try not to regret anything as you walk away. You start revising the Hamlet monologue in your mind. You think the best moment of your life is yet to come. Funnily, you believe everyone is has a beautiful soul..
(Thanks for the experience, Erika.)

Üks valus vale dildo on liikvel

2008-02-16T11:07:00.000-08:00

Ma kannan
Kahte märki

Üks on
God bless
America

Teine on
Ümera
1210

Märke on kaks
Jumal on üks

Allah

Itchy feet and fading smiles

2008-02-15T09:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Valentine's day. I didn't expect it to come the way it did. It was so different considering the previous year. I am, of course, talking about school. I can still remember what clothes I was wearing on that particular day, what time each person arrived at school, what classes we had, how different people hugged.. This year was just plain old ordinary. Everything was great, but nothing extraordinary. I hate myself for saying this. I take far too much for granted. Everything is great and I'm still not satisfied. I feel like I have nothing new to discover about my classmates, they are not these mysterious people I was once fascinated by. Attending school has become the same sickening routine it once was. I'm bored as hell at school. (My problem.) It's not like I'm unhappy, no. On the contrary, I'm very happy.. But I want more.
"I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones." (Oscar Wilde)
Yup, that probably sums it up pretty good. Guess I'm not a very good friend. I wonder weather I'll ever have a fan. I guess I'm just not the type of person you want to get very close to or the average person will lose their fascination through my eyes. (My problem.)
I mean, I was so depressed yesterday, because nothing happened to drive me to euphoria. So, imagine me drunk on sadness, hitting the library on a cold, sad afternoon. I had to get away from school or otherwise I would have said some things I'd have regretted later. I was tired as hell and disappointed in my world that I kept having a battle with my inner-self weather it is appropriate to have a nap in the library. Alas, at least two hours passed in the blink of an eye.
Aivar Haller really made my day yesterday. Wow. A person whom I really admire, whom I adore, whom I look up to. Seeing all my not-so-old friends was also very relaxing. The pleasure was all mine. Thanks. You kept me sane that night.
So what next? I have got to change my lifestyle. I have far too many drafts, too little sleep and as it seems, no sense of morality. Couple of hours a sleep at night, a headache, some shivers, dirty songs, perverse poetry, cynicism.. I don't really want to continue.
I'm camping in Tartu for the weekend. For the sake of my mental health. I just feel so empty all the time. Just as some damn dementer has appeared out of the blue sky and sucked all the joy out of me. Too much Harry Potter for me.
I am my own pet virus. I get to pet and feed her. Her milk is my shit, her shit it is my milk. Okay, too much of Kurt Cobain for me.
Funny, the way the mind works. My mind leads me to heroin. In the dust I can see my catastrophe. Getting bigger and bigger at every minute. Too much free time for me.

Now my feet don't touch the ground

2008-02-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

The bad news is that there were only four of us at the rehearsal. The good news is that we had a good time, in addition, I threw my dignity away again yet again. By doing so, I felt so free and calm. I walked home reading a poem in Russian out loud. When I got in front my house, a man asked whether I was sober. I just started to laugh and told him "far from it". I love moments like these.
I'm so proud of myself, the first week of February has passed (which is always the most shitty time of the year for me). And it's Valentine's Day on next Thursday! My second favorite holiday after Christmas. School is quite fine also only if I'd manage to get on one side with Jevgeni and Tatjana. As the Estonian saying goes.. pätt tunneb päti ära. (Oh, it's a pointless inside joke between my past, present and future.)
I have nothing deep to write because nothing huge has upset me. I mean - how long can a person really write about happiness?

Hymn to intellectual beauty

2008-02-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong, I can't stand Shelley! I'm having to translate his poem to Estonian. Between me and you, I loath the job, it's so bloody frustrating. Grr..!
Another frustrating thing I have to deal at the moment is cutting the amount of words I have in my article for English. Oh God, I have about 300+ words and I have to cut it by 150 words. Life is unfair. It is going to sound so cheesy. Even cheesier than it sounds now. I put my whole effort in making it as short at it is and still.. it is too long.
I should make a mental note to my future self not to leave Shelley's poetry and an article I feel so passionate about on a Sunday evening. Hah, there is absolutely no chance in hell I would fallow my advice.
Talking about school, I've got a renaissance art test coming up tomorrow. Plus, it would be more than advisable to study French, Chemistry and Math. Not talk about all the big tests coming up this week. I don't actually know weather this is a bad thing or not, but I don't worry too much about my school stuff. I care about it, but I don't worry. I will manage somehow, I always do in the end. Besides, I sleep well at night when I work.
Today I made a couple of phone calls that were important to me, I just thought I should mention it. As for the weekend, it has been on the cultural side and I rather enjoyed it.
Today my sister actually paid me a compliment when she told me I don't write that bad at all. This is big, coming from her.

Okay, my pointless everyday crap ends here. I just want to paste my article on Zizou here because I haven't mentioned a word of him in this oh so very sweet blog o' mine. Think about it, what if I died and you never found out who my favorite soccer player was. Oh, the tragedy..

Zinedine Zidane is considered to be on of the best players who ever lived. He can easily be compaired to such football legends as Pele or Maradona. This is undestandable since he was the key player for the World and European Championships as well as the UEFA Championships.
Zidane was born in Marseille, in 1972 and he started playing football at a very early age. At the age of 14 his professional career started and four years later he was already the hero of the French league. From that season onward, many of the European clubs kept an eye on him including his future club, Juventus.
Zidane made his international debut on 17 August in 1994, against the Czech Republic, having scored two goals. Four years later, he became the hero of the 1998 World Cup. The success didn’t end here. Zizou helped his team reach the Euro 2000 final with inspired play and important goals. Fans all around the world fell in love with him as they had never seen such skill and invention on the football field. The French captain earned the nickname Magician.
Unfortunately, the end of his international career at the 2006 World Cup was quite dramatical and depressing for the French team. Zizou helped his team earn a place in the final, but was sent off the pitch in a very critical moment. Italy won, the French lost everything. It was a superb tournement, but like many other fans, I also hated the final match. I never want to see it again.
Nevertheless the drama of the last World Cup, Zidane will always be the most skilled football magician of our decade. Wheather you like him or not, you must agree that football isn’t the same without him.

Head Tartu rahu aastapäeva!

2008-02-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

Drunk on apathy

2008-01-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not in the mood for a cheery introduction. Frankly, I'm not in the mood for anything. I just feel so tired and empty all the time. I'm having constant arguments with my higher self. I have been sucked dry. There is nothing left to suck on. It sucks.
It's not very polite to write about something equivocal so I'm going to do my best at explaining some things to you.. I won't bother burdening my mind with my cheap appeal. I don't really mind. (Guess I don't have a mind.)
I wear way too many masks each day, I can hardly recognize myself. Too much of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde for me. When I meet my true self, I'm going to be the happiest person on Earth. I'm going to laugh without heroin. In the meanwhile.. guess I'll fall and medicate.
I shouldn't be fascinated by drugs but I am. I shouldn't fall in love with him but I already am. I tend to mix darkness with love every so often. I shouldn't care so much but I cannot live without doing so. I should sleep more but I don't see the point. I should be full of joy and excitement I once was as a kid but it has tired me out way too much. I shouldn't take so much for granted but I do. I shouldn't be high on despair. Spleen shouldn't have hit me. But it has.. Will I sink or will I swim?
Anyhow, here I am. Here I am listening to melancholy songs, feeling a stronger connection with Werther every minute lived, feeling so old, feeling so sold. Save me, young friend. Then make me do it again. Go on, disgrace me.
I've had some great true laughs also during this frustrating week. I am going to be selfish enough and not even mention them, because my mind in preoccupied with bigger (sicker) thoughts.
What else should I write.. I don't want to fight.

PS. I'm going to crash the bookstore tomorrow and buy myself happiness.

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?

2008-01-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

You know what? I think there's really no doubt about it.
I sure as hell would have eaten the damn apple rather than been bored in a life full of happiness and security. I don't really get the point of heaven, either. Eternal happiness, play your harf to death and that kind of crap. Boooring. Hell as well, not the most entertaining place to be, I suspect.
For all these reasons above I'd like to believe Buddhism is the real deal. I like the idea of being born again. Hah, the only problem would be achieving the most desirable goal - becoming Buddha. Alas, until then, you are perfectly happy about worrying about the famine in Africa.
Atheism is also pointless. It would be a little dull to shuffle off the planet and go into non-being, which means into everything. Cool, but dull.
I quote Chuck - "So far our generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual, in other words, our depression is our lives." Now that statement is bound to cheer up any emo kid.
I'll just shut up now. Talk is cold and burns like the sun.

Hanna would like to extend a good night to everyone

2008-01-23T13:20:00.000-08:00

It has been a fantastic week and it keeps getting better with every day. I'm going to publish this pointless post just to remind my future-self that I was in a very good mood. Right now, I'm in love with the world.

-"You're drunk."
-"I'm a poet."

Not everyone can carry the weight of the world

2008-01-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry. I meant to say no one can carry the weight of the world by themselves. We need help and support. We need other people. That's the most important thing I have learned during the previous days.
I'm too much of a individualist, asking for help is always the last thing on my mind. I honestly thought I had my priorities set just right.
Today I went to school. Everything seemed to be put of joint somehow. I felt very distant from everyone. Like I was from another world. From a better place. Everyone was in such stress, worrying about some pointless tests. I've become so apathetic against my school work. Everyone is running around, they are such always in a hurry.. somewhere. I hope they know where exactly they are running, I as sure as hell don't. Why don't they just seize the day? It's very depressive to live for the future. Been there, done that. Why dream of a new day when the day is here already? Make your lives extraordinary today.
My classmates weren't the only ones whom I couldn't understand today. I had a good look at my teachers. We were told to appreciate their work more. But how should I put it.. the schooling didn't have that effect on me. It was rather the other way around. I don't look up to them so much anymore. Mrs K seems just so bitter and stuck in her own world. Such a negative and sarcastic person.
Unfortunately, I have lost the respect for my school as well. I hate the spirit, I hate the motto, I hate the snobs they produce. Although I love the other type of freedom it gives. No one fucks with your personality.
A few words about the schooling, before the first expression fades. I guess it's safe to say massive waves of inspiration hit every single person in the room. I talked to too many interesting people. I'm having trouble putting all the names and people together. It sucks. The people whom I talked to were all so great, beautiful, good.
Sometimes I think I have too high life standards. It's hard. Not all people were beautiful. Relationships need work. But how long can you smile without no one smiling back? I don't want to become a heroin junkie in order to do that.

I have a lot to say.. but even more to do. Take care!

Behind me, the whole world is a mess

2008-01-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

Ola there. I'm a little confused. "Confused" isn't the right word, but it's only decent one that pops up. Haha.
I can't take it. How can people be so boring at times?? Or is the problem me? Am I just some shallow-minded, superficial, ego maniac? I get that part they tell us that not everyone gets along with everyone. But still.. I honestly thought I would NOT write anything critical in this sweet blog o'mine, but it's just too damn diggly tempting. I can resist everything but temptation for crying out loud. (Does the abbreviation "COL" exist or am I just inventing it at this very moment?)
People tell me not to think so much. But people always tell you not to think too much. That's what people do. Lousy advice. It makes you think your smart or something. Like your ideas are worth something. The sad truth, my friends, is that none of my thoughts are original. They are combined of the people I have known, the books I've read, the lyrics that wonder around at the back of my brain. Nothing of me is special when you think of it. Normally, I wouldn't say something like this, but I'm not in the mood to think the other way around. For COL, I'm trying to be original saying that while dying with mediocrity. The joy of not thinking is quite relaxing, I imagine. Maybe people don't want you to think because they want to be better in all ways. Basic human nature, fellow homo sapiens. Cheer after cheer after cheer after cheer.
People are so cheesy at times. I should focus on more than meets the eye. Then again, I'd like to take my advice, but I just get annoyed. Some guy on cable television once said that if you point a finger at someone then three fingers are pointing back at you. I don't watch TV anymore.
Okay, back to the main subject, I keep getting so dozed off. It all comes down to priorities.. or not. Yes and no. People come from different worlds. I should take the heart to learn their worlds. I do it when I'm bored. Then it amuses me. Otherwise I get annoyed with people.
It's explainable. I mean, apart from the obvious reasons. "Don't ever tell anybody anything. (If you do, you start missing everybody.)"

I want to write something positive also before the sun rises. Yesterday was fun as hell. The best part? Having another true laugh in French. Gazing at the new yellowish toilet paper, wondering weather I've gone colorblind. Being in Russian, seeing Jelanskaja again and listening to her jokes (although I think she doesn't do them on purpose), i.e. "were you alone during New Year's?". Bumping into Kristiina on accident, finding out what she has been up to. Having the illusion that every tenth person who passes me is Britta, eventually bumping into the real Britta. Discussing mind-blowing topics with Kelli. Hiding Kaku's shoes. Not being tired. Enjoying the silence. Being human. I'll stop know because I can't possibly express how I feel with just some stupid words on a flickering screen.
I made three decisions yesterday: chemistry exam, Kurgjärve, Paris. Good luck to me. Cheer after cheer after cheer after cheer.

People are perfect only when they smile

2008-01-02T17:22:00.000-08:00

These sleep-oholics. These insomnia-ophobics.
At the moment I'm trying to write my fairytale called "Pii", but I just keep getting more and more frustrated. The scenery in my story is far from your usual weird. I mean, I am writing a damn fairytale about some bloody bacterium named 3,14.
I'm a quiet-ophobic. A music-oholic.
I need some help. Today I discovered that walking without my earphones is much more fun. You react to the emotions around you. My bubble was starting to get a little too sucked-up if by any chance you know what I'm saying. However, I still couldn't get the weird smile off my face. I think my grandmother is starting to worry. She keeps telling me what an unusual child I am. I think of it as a compliment, don't ruin it for me.
Book-oholics. TV-ophobics.
Hello, I feel touched by these two words. The thing is, I've read too much during this break. I don't read the stuff I'm supposed to read. Only the strange ones with fun twists that entertain me. It's weird, but my writing style starts to resemble whichever author I'm reading at the moment. When I was younger, it was so Rowling at times. You don't have to agree. People rarely do.
Promise-oholics.
I don't get them. I never like making promises and most certainly hate braking them. However, since I'm in a hopeless situation.. Me, the world's biggest promise-ophobic, promises to get up early and start doing the stuff I'm supposed to do for a change.

It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets

2007-12-29T10:47:00.000-08:00

Then again, to save myself the trouble of introducing my deepest regrets this year, I have another fine quotation haunting my mind - "Life is too short to regret anything". We are always haunted and haunting. This saying belongs to Chuck Palahniuk, an author whom I have come to adore recently. At this point I can't possibly not mention Edith Piaf and her "Non, rien de rien." No, I don't regret a thing. I'm a bit peculiar but I cannot end this paragraph without Wilde's "Life is too important to be taken seriously". There, I feel much better.
I have read a lot in the past few days. At the moment I'm entertaining myself with "The catcher in the rye". I finished rereading "The picture of Dorian Gray", I also read "Choke" and started with "Lullaby". The last two are Palahniuk's masterpieces. I recommend them to anyone who can read English or come to think of it, I recommend them to anyone who understands the basic swear words.
Some of Salinger's thoughts are my thoughts. I'm confident enough to say they were my thoughts before I read the damn book. For example: I act a lot too young for my age on the count of I just get bored as hell too often. Another fine thought: Around corny people I start acting corny because they deserve it. Yet another: People never believe anything.
This is the perfect time to do a full heart analyzes on the year I have had. Who am I kidding? Not going to happen. I'm far too lazy and far too introverted to write anything down. Plus, I'm madly in love with myself. When people are in love, they often don't think. Not thinking is against my principles.. but so what? It's a rhetorical question, don't answer it.
This is the part I make my New Year's promise. I don't want to give myself a too difficult task (I can hardly keep up with my homework) - I will meet even more interesting people and enjoy life. It might sound too cheesy, but I have the simplest taste - I'm only satisfied with the best.
Today I was hoping to save a boy's world before bedtime but nothing of this kind happened. Of course it makes me sad. It also makes me want to become a doctor even more.
I have far too many thoughts to make a logical post. My bad.
I love talking to people. Just talking. I hate talking to phony people. It's awe-stuck to talk to people who are my "heroes". The funny thing is that they have no clue whatsoever that I kind of worship them every now and then.
Next year I promise to become more weird. I love acting weird and different from the mass. I do it all for my self-amusement really. I love enigmatic people. I will become one.
Another thing I have come to understand is the power of thought. I believe my dreams tell me more then I give them credit for. I have all the proof in the world. If it by any chance interests you, give me a call or something.
I don't have to be a victim of faith. I can and will create my own faith, reality, call it whatever you want. I don't care. I can have anything I want.
I'll end this post with Oscar: "It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But it is better to be good than to be ugly."
Chew over that for a while.

A long walk home

2007-12-15T14:20:00.000-08:00

Me? I was almost as drunk as myself.

La diversité

2007-11-27T10:59:00.000-08:00

What is this life all about.. can't figure any lyrics out.