Elagu, Eesti!

Hea sõber!

Ma loodan, armas kuulaja, et siis, kui Sa kuulad, või ise kõneled siin kümne aasta pärast, siis ei räägi me enam Eesti väiksusest. Mitte ainult seetõttu, et meid on arvult rohkem, vaid ka põhjusel, et oleme vaimult suuremad. Ja et viide meie napile hulgale ei kõlaks enam õigustusena, et me pole rohkemat ega paremini teinud.

T. H. Ilves

How do you hug?

Imagine sleeping your weekend away. Imagine walking naked on the street (read: imagine having no headphones stuck on you). Imagine coming from your hometown to the capital. Imagine crossing the street, imagine having a glimpse of some crazy young people. They are probably from the Central Party, you think. Imagine trying to avoid their gaze and preparing to walk past as fast as you can. Imagine trying to make no eye contact whatsoever. Now, imagine yourself, not even reaching the pavement, finding your name being called out all of a sudden. What kind of hell is this, you think. Another fraction of a second passes and you realize the stranger being your friend. Imagine yourself joining this group of lunatics. Imagine yourself swallowing your pride, imagine coming one of them. Imagine yourself losing all dignity.
Yup, been there, done that. It happened to me on Sunday and I must confess that it was the bloody best day in a long long time. I indeed joined the hugging company. Oh god, was that fun or what! Hugging various people on the street. As a true people watching maniac this was better than Christmas. Time for conclusions: don't hug young couples, don't hug soldiers, do hug old couples, do hug Finnish people, do not choose the person you are going to hug next, hug your friends extra hardly; when going on a pee break in the Viru Center, try to not to hug strangers (especially when you don't have the "FREE HUGS" signs); be very miserable when reality strikes and tells you that you have school and a couple of fucking tests coming up. Restrain yourself once again. Don't go to drink away your youth with some new faces you've met on the street. Who cares if they might seem like the most interesting people in the world. Who cares, if this is exactly what you need to spice up your mood. Who cares, if you probably will have the bloody best time of your life. Anyhow, reality crushes down on you. A voice in your mind says you are underage. If you don't study, you won't get into medical school. Imagine being the black sheep of the family. Ain't in a shame to have a drink on a Sunday, you sing to yourself. You try not to regret anything as you walk away. You start revising the Hamlet monologue in your mind. You think the best moment of your life is yet to come. Funnily, you believe everyone is has a beautiful soul..
(Thanks for the experience, Erika.)

Üks valus vale dildo on liikvel

Ma kannan
Kahte märki


Üks on
God bless
America

Teine on
Ümera
1210

Märke on kaks
Jumal on üks

Allah

Itchy feet and fading smiles

Yesterday was Valentine's day. I didn't expect it to come the way it did. It was so different considering the previous year. I am, of course, talking about school. I can still remember what clothes I was wearing on that particular day, what time each person arrived at school, what classes we had, how different people hugged.. This year was just plain old ordinary. Everything was great, but nothing extraordinary. I hate myself for saying this. I take far too much for granted. Everything is great and I'm still not satisfied. I feel like I have nothing new to discover about my classmates, they are not these mysterious people I was once fascinated by. Attending school has become the same sickening routine it once was. I'm bored as hell at school. (My problem.) It's not like I'm unhappy, no. On the contrary, I'm very happy.. But I want more.
"I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones." (Oscar Wilde)
Yup, that probably sums it up pretty good. Guess I'm not a very good friend. I wonder weather I'll ever have a fan. I guess I'm just not the type of person you want to get very close to or the average person will lose their fascination through my eyes. (My problem.)
I mean, I was so depressed yesterday, because nothing happened to drive me to euphoria. So, imagine me drunk on sadness, hitting the library on a cold, sad afternoon. I had to get away from school or otherwise I would have said some things I'd have regretted later. I was tired as hell and disappointed in my world that I kept having a battle with my inner-self weather it is appropriate to have a nap in the library. Alas, at least two hours passed in the blink of an eye.
Aivar Haller really made my day yesterday. Wow. A person whom I really admire, whom I adore, whom I look up to. Seeing all my not-so-old friends was also very relaxing. The pleasure was all mine. Thanks. You kept me sane that night.
So what next? I have got to change my lifestyle. I have far too many drafts, too little sleep and as it seems, no sense of morality. Couple of hours a sleep at night, a headache, some shivers, dirty songs, perverse poetry, cynicism.. I don't really want to continue.
I'm camping in Tartu for the weekend. For the sake of my mental health. I just feel so empty all the time. Just as some damn dementer has appeared out of the blue sky and sucked all the joy out of me. Too much Harry Potter for me.
I am my own pet virus. I get to pet and feed her. Her milk is my shit, her shit it is my milk. Okay, too much of Kurt Cobain for me.
Funny, the way the mind works. My mind leads me to heroin. In the dust I can see my catastrophe. Getting bigger and bigger at every minute. Too much free time for me.

Now my feet don't touch the ground

The bad news is that there were only four of us at the rehearsal. The good news is that we had a good time, in addition, I threw my dignity away again yet again. By doing so, I felt so free and calm. I walked home reading a poem in Russian out loud. When I got in front my house, a man asked whether I was sober. I just started to laugh and told him "far from it". I love moments like these.
I'm so proud of myself, the first week of February has passed (which is always the most shitty time of the year for me). And it's Valentine's Day on next Thursday! My second favorite holiday after Christmas. School is quite fine also only if I'd manage to get on one side with Jevgeni and Tatjana. As the Estonian saying goes.. pätt tunneb päti ära. (Oh, it's a pointless inside joke between my past, present and future.)
I have nothing deep to write because nothing huge has upset me. I mean - how long can a person really write about happiness?

Hymn to intellectual beauty

Don't get me wrong, I can't stand Shelley! I'm having to translate his poem to Estonian. Between me and you, I loath the job, it's so bloody frustrating. Grr..!
Another frustrating thing I have to deal at the moment is cutting the amount of words I have in my article for English. Oh God, I have about 300+ words and I have to cut it by 150 words. Life is unfair. It is going to sound so cheesy. Even cheesier than it sounds now. I put my whole effort in making it as short at it is and still.. it is too long.
I should make a mental note to my future self not to leave Shelley's poetry and an article I feel so passionate about on a Sunday evening. Hah, there is absolutely no chance in hell I would fallow my advice.
Talking about school, I've got a renaissance art test coming up tomorrow. Plus, it would be more than advisable to study French, Chemistry and Math. Not talk about all the big tests coming up this week. I don't actually know weather this is a bad thing or not, but I don't worry too much about my school stuff. I care about it, but I don't worry. I will manage somehow, I always do in the end. Besides, I sleep well at night when I work.
Today I made a couple of phone calls that were important to me, I just thought I should mention it. As for the weekend, it has been on the cultural side and I rather enjoyed it.
Today my sister actually paid me a compliment when she told me I don't write that bad at all. This is big, coming from her.

Okay, my pointless everyday crap ends here. I just want to paste my article on Zizou here because I haven't mentioned a word of him in this oh so very sweet blog o' mine. Think about it, what if I died and you never found out who my favorite soccer player was. Oh, the tragedy..

Zinedine Zidane is considered to be on of the best players who ever lived. He can easily be compaired to such football legends as Pele or Maradona. This is undestandable since he was the key player for the World and European Championships as well as the UEFA Championships.
Zidane was born in Marseille, in 1972 and he started playing football at a very early age. At the age of 14 his professional career started and four years later he was already the hero of the French league. From that season onward, many of the European clubs kept an eye on him including his future club, Juventus.
Zidane made his international debut on 17 August in 1994, against the Czech Republic, having scored two goals. Four years later, he became the hero of the 1998 World Cup. The success didn’t end here. Zizou helped his team reach the Euro 2000 final with inspired play and important goals. Fans all around the world fell in love with him as they had never seen such skill and invention on the football field. The French captain earned the nickname Magician.
Unfortunately, the end of his international career at the 2006 World Cup was quite dramatical and depressing for the French team. Zizou helped his team earn a place in the final, but was sent off the pitch in a very critical moment. Italy won, the French lost everything. It was a superb tournement, but like many other fans, I also hated the final match. I never want to see it again.
Nevertheless the drama of the last World Cup, Zidane will always be the most skilled football magician of our decade. Wheather you like him or not, you must agree that football isn’t the same without him.

Head Tartu rahu aastapäeva!