Drunk on apathy

I'm not in the mood for a cheery introduction. Frankly, I'm not in the mood for anything. I just feel so tired and empty all the time. I'm having constant arguments with my higher self. I have been sucked dry. There is nothing left to suck on. It sucks.
It's not very polite to write about something equivocal so I'm going to do my best at explaining some things to you.. I won't bother burdening my mind with my cheap appeal. I don't really mind. (Guess I don't have a mind.)
I wear way too many masks each day, I can hardly recognize myself. Too much of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde for me. When I meet my true self, I'm going to be the happiest person on Earth. I'm going to laugh without heroin. In the meanwhile.. guess I'll fall and medicate.
I shouldn't be fascinated by drugs but I am. I shouldn't fall in love with him but I already am. I tend to mix darkness with love every so often. I shouldn't care so much but I cannot live without doing so. I should sleep more but I don't see the point. I should be full of joy and excitement I once was as a kid but it has tired me out way too much. I shouldn't take so much for granted but I do. I shouldn't be high on despair. Spleen shouldn't have hit me. But it has.. Will I sink or will I swim?
Anyhow, here I am. Here I am listening to melancholy songs, feeling a stronger connection with Werther every minute lived, feeling so old, feeling so sold. Save me, young friend. Then make me do it again. Go on, disgrace me.
I've had some great true laughs also during this frustrating week. I am going to be selfish enough and not even mention them, because my mind in preoccupied with bigger (sicker) thoughts.
What else should I write.. I don't want to fight.

PS. I'm going to crash the bookstore tomorrow and buy myself happiness.

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?

You know what? I think there's really no doubt about it.
I sure as hell would have eaten the damn apple rather than been bored in a life full of happiness and security. I don't really get the point of heaven, either. Eternal happiness, play your harf to death and that kind of crap. Boooring. Hell as well, not the most entertaining place to be, I suspect.
For all these reasons above I'd like to believe Buddhism is the real deal. I like the idea of being born again. Hah, the only problem would be achieving the most desirable goal - becoming Buddha. Alas, until then, you are perfectly happy about worrying about the famine in Africa.
Atheism is also pointless. It would be a little dull to shuffle off the planet and go into non-being, which means into everything. Cool, but dull.
I quote Chuck - "So far our generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual, in other words, our depression is our lives." Now that statement is bound to cheer up any emo kid.
I'll just shut up now. Talk is cold and burns like the sun.

Hanna would like to extend a good night to everyone

It has been a fantastic week and it keeps getting better with every day. I'm going to publish this pointless post just to remind my future-self that I was in a very good mood. Right now, I'm in love with the world.

-"You're drunk."
-"I'm a poet."

Not everyone can carry the weight of the world

I'm sorry. I meant to say no one can carry the weight of the world by themselves. We need help and support. We need other people. That's the most important thing I have learned during the previous days.
I'm too much of a individualist, asking for help is always the last thing on my mind. I honestly thought I had my priorities set just right.
Today I went to school. Everything seemed to be put of joint somehow. I felt very distant from everyone. Like I was from another world. From a better place. Everyone was in such stress, worrying about some pointless tests. I've become so apathetic against my school work. Everyone is running around, they are such always in a hurry.. somewhere. I hope they know where exactly they are running, I as sure as hell don't. Why don't they just seize the day? It's very depressive to live for the future. Been there, done that. Why dream of a new day when the day is here already? Make your lives extraordinary today.
My classmates weren't the only ones whom I couldn't understand today. I had a good look at my teachers. We were told to appreciate their work more. But how should I put it.. the schooling didn't have that effect on me. It was rather the other way around. I don't look up to them so much anymore. Mrs K seems just so bitter and stuck in her own world. Such a negative and sarcastic person.
Unfortunately, I have lost the respect for my school as well. I hate the spirit, I hate the motto, I hate the snobs they produce. Although I love the other type of freedom it gives. No one fucks with your personality.
A few words about the schooling, before the first expression fades. I guess it's safe to say massive waves of inspiration hit every single person in the room. I talked to too many interesting people. I'm having trouble putting all the names and people together. It sucks. The people whom I talked to were all so great, beautiful, good.
Sometimes I think I have too high life standards. It's hard. Not all people were beautiful. Relationships need work. But how long can you smile without no one smiling back? I don't want to become a heroin junkie in order to do that.

I have a lot to say.. but even more to do. Take care!

Behind me, the whole world is a mess

Ola there. I'm a little confused. "Confused" isn't the right word, but it's only decent one that pops up. Haha.
I can't take it. How can people be so boring at times?? Or is the problem me? Am I just some shallow-minded, superficial, ego maniac? I get that part they tell us that not everyone gets along with everyone. But still.. I honestly thought I would NOT write anything critical in this sweet blog o'mine, but it's just too damn diggly tempting. I can resist everything but temptation for crying out loud. (Does the abbreviation "COL" exist or am I just inventing it at this very moment?)
People tell me not to think so much. But people always tell you not to think too much. That's what people do. Lousy advice. It makes you think your smart or something. Like your ideas are worth something. The sad truth, my friends, is that none of my thoughts are original. They are combined of the people I have known, the books I've read, the lyrics that wonder around at the back of my brain. Nothing of me is special when you think of it. Normally, I wouldn't say something like this, but I'm not in the mood to think the other way around. For COL, I'm trying to be original saying that while dying with mediocrity. The joy of not thinking is quite relaxing, I imagine. Maybe people don't want you to think because they want to be better in all ways. Basic human nature, fellow homo sapiens. Cheer after cheer after cheer after cheer.
People are so cheesy at times. I should focus on more than meets the eye. Then again, I'd like to take my advice, but I just get annoyed. Some guy on cable television once said that if you point a finger at someone then three fingers are pointing back at you. I don't watch TV anymore.
Okay, back to the main subject, I keep getting so dozed off. It all comes down to priorities.. or not. Yes and no. People come from different worlds. I should take the heart to learn their worlds. I do it when I'm bored. Then it amuses me. Otherwise I get annoyed with people.
It's explainable. I mean, apart from the obvious reasons. "Don't ever tell anybody anything. (If you do, you start missing everybody.)"

I want to write something positive also before the sun rises. Yesterday was fun as hell. The best part? Having another true laugh in French. Gazing at the new yellowish toilet paper, wondering weather I've gone colorblind. Being in Russian, seeing Jelanskaja again and listening to her jokes (although I think she doesn't do them on purpose), i.e. "were you alone during New Year's?". Bumping into Kristiina on accident, finding out what she has been up to. Having the illusion that every tenth person who passes me is Britta, eventually bumping into the real Britta. Discussing mind-blowing topics with Kelli. Hiding Kaku's shoes. Not being tired. Enjoying the silence. Being human. I'll stop know because I can't possibly express how I feel with just some stupid words on a flickering screen.
I made three decisions yesterday: chemistry exam, Kurgjärve, Paris. Good luck to me. Cheer after cheer after cheer after cheer.

People are perfect only when they smile

These sleep-oholics. These insomnia-ophobics.
At the moment I'm trying to write my fairytale called "Pii", but I just keep getting more and more frustrated. The scenery in my story is far from your usual weird. I mean, I am writing a damn fairytale about some bloody bacterium named 3,14.
I'm a quiet-ophobic. A music-oholic.
I need some help. Today I discovered that walking without my earphones is much more fun. You react to the emotions around you. My bubble was starting to get a little too sucked-up if by any chance you know what I'm saying. However, I still couldn't get the weird smile off my face. I think my grandmother is starting to worry. She keeps telling me what an unusual child I am. I think of it as a compliment, don't ruin it for me.
Book-oholics. TV-ophobics.
Hello, I feel touched by these two words. The thing is, I've read too much during this break. I don't read the stuff I'm supposed to read. Only the strange ones with fun twists that entertain me. It's weird, but my writing style starts to resemble whichever author I'm reading at the moment. When I was younger, it was so Rowling at times. You don't have to agree. People rarely do.
Promise-oholics.
I don't get them. I never like making promises and most certainly hate braking them. However, since I'm in a hopeless situation.. Me, the world's biggest promise-ophobic, promises to get up early and start doing the stuff I'm supposed to do for a change.